


Filling The Void

by Merrydith



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Caretaking, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Separation Anxiety, Smut, Social Anxiety, Violent Sex, What Have I Done, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 06:17:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9980048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merrydith/pseuds/Merrydith
Summary: For Dan Howell, it was almost too easy.Once in a while became every week, which became every few days. And now, this was the fourth person he’d brought home that week and it was only Friday.What happens when Phil suggests Dan takes it easy?





	

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!  
> MIND THE TAGS!  
> Disclaimer: Characters are works of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Dan or Phil and I hope to goodness this never happened.
> 
> Reading Time: 01:23:57
> 
>  
> 
> I'm so sorry for this guys. <3

One could say that Dan was being irresponsible. Dragging guy after guy, girl after girl, into his apartment, not really bothering to ask their names or remember their faces. He would go out, wander into the generic pub around the corner from his flat and get totally wasted on what others might perceive as fancy cocktails. He didn’t do anything else with the money he was sitting on. Being an internet celebrity had it’s perks. After getting thoroughly smashed, he’d flash his signature heart eyes at a stranger that looked even the slightest bit interested, then make his way across the room to work his magic. Most of the time, that included him flaunting his money and buying them an impressive drink, sometimes playing the famous person card and then not saying much at all so the person could paint him as anyone they wanted him to be. He had gotten this down to a science and it rarely failed.

How had he gotten into this disgusting hobby?

Well, the first time was an accident.

The first time was because he wasn’t really keeping track of the amount of alcohol he had consumed. He wasn’t an alcoholic. In fact, he didn’t even like drinking that much. He appreciated a bit of wine during dinner and the occasional beer but he was not dependent by any means. It wasn’t until he got into a tiny spat with Phil that he even considered going out to a bar alone.

What was the fight about?

Nothing. Dan didn’t even remember. But he knew that he was stubborn and when Phil suggested that he needed a little space, Dan got angry and decided that he would leave the flat altogether, giving the other boy as much space as physically possible. If Phil didn’t want to see Dan, fine, he’d go bother someone else. He’d go find another friend that he could grow close to and perhaps share a thought or two with. He knew he was being dramatic, he always was, but soon he was sitting in front of a bartender who was pouring him a drink and he was throwing back a few shots. Just because he could.

Apparently he ran into someone that night, someone he deemed an acceptable replacement to his best friend, and he took her home to finish the job. He wouldn’t know, he didn’t remember. But Phil told him that she snuck out early, giving him a “real scare” in the hallway that morning. Clearly Phil wasn’t mad at him anymore and things went back to normal after that. It was all good. Or so he thought.

The next week, Dan went out again. Just for a couple drinks. He didn’t want to black out this time because he wanted to experience a connection like the one he had apparently made the week before. He just ordered a few nice drinks and sat back to watch the bar scene, eventually locking eyes with a stranger and offering to buy them a drink. He forgot what it was like to go out alone for a change. Not being tied down to another person. Being able to do whatever he wanted, be whomever he pleased. Not that he didn’t like doing things with Phil, but he was the best friend. Dan couldn’t flirt with his best friend. He couldn’t kiss his best friend. He couldn’t fall in love with his best friend. Sure, Phil was comfortable and he didn’t have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t, but Dan had always craved attention, and not the kind you can get from your best buddy. A different kind of connection wasn’t too much to ask.

But what he found, was that nobody at this bar was looking for a connection with someone that just wanted to talk. These people were looking for something very specific. Who was Dan to turn down something that filled the hole every once and a while?

But every once in a while became every week, which became every few days. And now, this was the fourth partner he’d brought home that week and it was only Friday. Same routine. He’d wait around until Phil went to bed, which was usually pretty early anyway, then the moment Phil’s door would shut, he’d grab his coat and trot down the stairs and around the corner to the pub that was merely four minutes from his flat. It was almost too easy.

He kissed up the random girl’s neck, repeating the motions that he always did before they left the pub. The girl was drunk and melting into his touch. Poor girl didn’t even know that this was the exact spot that he melted the other girl only two nights before. The bartenders would look the other way, pretending not to recognize him when he walked in the door. Sooner than later, they asked him if he wanted to start a tab. He declined only because it would just add another level of simplicity that would make the whole thing much more real. Every morning he would tell himself that it was the last time he’d bring someone home. The last time he’d go and fill the mental void with meaningless sex. The last time he would go to that stupid pub that called to him from a few blocks down. He told himself that he would finally find someone that would actually listen to him for once and give him the connection he craved the most.

But it would always end with sex. The fifteenth time, Dan gave up his search for a connection. He just assumed that sex was what he was looking for. It felt good. So maybe if he had enough of it, it would fill the hole that he had somehow developed and that perhaps he just wasn’t aware of all this time.

This was an itch that Phil just couldn’t scratch. As much as the Phan shippers wanted the two to be fucking, they were far from it. Phil kept mostly to himself when it came to sex and in comparison, Dan was an absolute wild card. He respected Phil’s preferences but at this point, he wasn’t even sure Phil was a sexual being in the first place. All of Dan’s kinks were out there, floating around the internet and he laughed when he accidentally stumbled across fanfiction in his own time, the stuff about him and Phil and BDSM. Phil wasn’t like that. He was actually an angel. And regardless of how much Dan cared about him as a friend, it was clearly never going to happen. Not that he ever even considered it.

The girl moaned and he was ripped back into his drunken reality. He was sliding his hand up her shirt, a sign that it was time he take her home. He ripped his lips from hers and gave her that smoldering look that the internet loved so much, asking her if she’d care to join him. Her yes was much like another girl’s, one that had met the same fate only two weeks ago. He grabbed her hand with his giant one, leading her down the street with drunken legs.

Opening the door to his flat was always a challenge when he was drunk. Not to mention today’s girl was particularly clingy, kissing up his neck and making it impossible for him to focus. He stopped fumbling with his keys to remind her that he could just take her in the hallway right then and there where all his neighbors could hear her scream. The threat seemed to work and she stood patiently while she waited for him to fit the key into the door knob.

Then he was in his bed, almost completely naked, shoving his fingers into another wet hole. Luckily, today wasn’t a lube day. (His favorite thing about being with a girl).

Yet another thing the internet got wrong. He was a top. No doubt about it. He didn’t want anyone inside of him and didn’t even like going there himself. He would rather do the fucking. Plus, fucking guys was sometimes better than fucking girls because they were always more of a challenge. The girls that melted over his pretty face were the type that would get off on his fingers alone. But this girl was fine. This girl was holding up so far.

She moaned beneath him when he slid into her wet heat which was a lot looser than he’d prefer. Fucking into her mindlessly and kissing her neck so that he didn’t have to see her face, he focused on his orgasm that seemed so distant while he was drunk. Maybe that’s why he did it instead of having a good wank. That would just be too easy.

Most of the time, they stayed quiet when they came. Sure, Phil was asleep but he wasn’t deaf. Every now and then Dan would cringe because he knew he was probably bothering his flatmate while he was getting his rest. This girl in particular was rather loud. Dan tried to stick his fingers in her mouth but it only made her moan louder. He just quickened his pace and hoped she’d finish soon.

He remembered pulling out of the girl, then throwing her a towel, but after that, he didn’t remember passing out and he certainly didn’t remember the girl creeping out and leaving him for his slumber. He wasn’t exactly expecting a cuddle but most of the time he didn’t complain when they went for it. He was surprised that she didn’t stick around longer. The girls usually did. Maybe he said something to offend her. Entirely possible. He didn’t remember.

None of his new habits seemed like an issue to him until the next morning when he left his room and wandered into the kitchen shirtless to make breakfast. His hair was pushed back and stiff because of the sweat and his eyes were crusty with sleep. Phil was already up, as usual, and he was working on a bowl of cereal when Dan entered. He looked up and nearly choked on the food he had failed to swallow. Dan stopped and gave him a questioning look. Phil just looked down and his eyes went wide.

“What’s that look for?” Dan asked him, reaching for a bowl himself and grabbing the milk from the fridge. Phil tried to catch his breath but avoided his gaze completely. Dan stopped and cocked his head. “What? Have I sprouted an extra limb?”

He looked down jokingly, pretending to inspect himself for the growth but his eyes didn’t meet another leg. No, they met an abundance of hickeys that were littering his chest and stomach. Well. If Phil hadn’t woken last night to the sound of his sex, he was entirely alerted to it now.

“Oh. I see.” Dan swallowed and just set his bowl down on the counter. “I’ll go uh…put a shirt on.”

He left the room and cursed himself. He should have checked. Normally they didn’t leave marks, he did. But he supposed that this girl had already drifted from his expectations, why not throw in another one?

He returned wearing a black t shirt that he picked off of his floor. It smelled of cigarettes and he assumed he had worn it the night he slept with the smoker. He remembered that one because she literally tried to light one in his bedroom. He put a damper on that real quick and ushered her out rather fast.

Phil just glared at him as Dan poured his cereal, not saying anything as he fished out the Cinnimons from the bottom of his own bowl. Phil wasn’t usually extremely chatty in the morning, but he was being rather quiet. Dan assumed that he was just tired and maybe seeing Dan’s hickeys threw the older boy off. He just wasn’t used to that sort of thing.

They ate in silence and then Dan excused himself to go take a shower. Phil didn’t even seem to acknowledge his announcement but that wasn’t an issue. He didn’t need the older boy’s permission to clean himself.

He scrubbed off the various bodily fluids from his body and dressed himself in some lounge pants. He had nothing planned for the rest of the day. Maybe Phil would want to play some Guitar Hero with him. It had been a while.

“Phil?” Dan called, wandering into the lounge where the raven haired boy would usually be but he didn’t see Phil’s usual set up and when he glanced towards his bedroom, he noticed the door was shut and Phil was most likely inside. “Phil?”

He called a bit louder this time, heading towards the door to knock and when he did, there was a moment of hesitation and then an answer. The first words Dan had heard him speak that day.

“Just a second.”

Dan waited. He had nothing better to do. He stood by the door and tapped his thigh, staring at the walls in the hallway. His eyes locked onto a small dent near his door where one of the men he had dragged through here had kicked. Whoops. He needed to remember to patch that.

Phil opened the door and he whipped his head around to greet the boy who was now standing in front of him, shifting a little.

“Hey, what’s up?” Phil leaned against the door frame and smiled a little.

“I was just wondering what you were up to. Want to play some guitar hero with me? It’s been a while.” Dan didn’t know why he was explaining that. Phil should know. He just figured it would help with the persuasive process. “I mean, if you aren’t busy.”

Phil looked at him and he looked down at his feet.

“Yeah. Sure. Just give me a few.” He nodded and then closed the door in Dan’s face, rather abruptly if he may add. Dan shrugged and went into the lounge to set it up. He thought about proposing they turn it into a Danandphilgames video, but with Phil in the mood he was in and the risk of a fan seeing his hickeys, he decided they rather not. Plus, Dan liked getting super competitive with Phil and the fans didn’t seem to like that very much.

Phil took forever to meet him. Dan had fallen into his sofa crease and responded to a fair amount of tweets on his laptop before Phil entered the lounge. Phil didn’t look too thrilled to be there and Dan watched as he bit his lip before walking all the way in.

Dan might sometimes be a terrible person but he wasn’t a terrible friend. Something was up with Phil and he had to find out what it was.

“Phil?” He muted the game with the remote, setting it down on the couch. “Is everything okay? You seem a little…off.”

Phil looked up fast and there was clearly panic in his eyes. Maybe he wasn’t expecting Dan to ask but he had and now the silence was starting to get awkward.

“Phil?” Dan asked gently, pulling him out of the trance he seemed to be falling into. Phil made eye contact with him for what seemed like the first time that morning and Dan saw Phil’s light shake of the head. Phil knew better than to lie to Dan. Their friendship was too solid. Phil was bad at lying and Dan always figured it out eventually. Clearly he had something to say so it was only right Dan give it a listen. “Talk to me.”

Phil hesitated but he pulled up a chair from the table behind him. Dan wasn’t sure why Phil didn’t just sit on the couch with him but he probably felt more comfortable further away. He cleared his throat and looked at the wall behind Dan.

“Dan. I think that maybe…” he spoke softly and slowly, treating Dan like he was fragile. Dan hated when he did that. It was demeaning and it made him feel like Phil didn’t see him as his equal. Like he was better than him. “I think that maybe you’ve been going out a little too much recently.”

What?

Dan wasn’t looking at Phil directly before, but he was now. Directly at the nervous boy’s face.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not trying to…” Phil stopped, sensing the defensive vibe that was building quickly around Dan. “…I didn’t want to…” He fumbled with the hem of his shirt. “I’m just worried about you.”

Worried? Why the fuck was Phil worried? Dan was an adult. He was capable of taking care of himself.

“I don’t want you to do something you regret,” Phil said, his leg bouncing up and down, a nervous tick that Dan had identified many years ago. “And it seems like you’re doing an awful lot of drinking recently.”

“I don’t drink that much,” Dan fired back defensively. He didn’t. He just drank enough to take the edge off. That’s all.

“Okay. Maybe not. But you do go out. A lot.” Phil wasn’t even looking in his general direction anymore. He was looking at the floor. Dan was glaring at the other boy. “I don’t know why you’re doing it, or…” He paused. “Or what you’re getting out of it…” Bullshit. “But maybe you should take a break for a little while.”

“A break?” Dan repeated. What right did Phil have to tell him that he should stop doing something he enjoyed? Phil didn’t know anything about how Dan felt. He didn’t know about how lonely Dan got. How could he suggest Dan take a break when he didn’t even know what Dan was trying to do?

“Or not a break…just…” Phil looked like he was struggling with what he was trying to say. “…maybe cut down?”

“Cut down.” Dan scoffed. Not as a question. As a mockery of how ridiculous Phil sounded. He crossed his arms. “And why do you think that, Phil?”

Phil gulped.

“Well I talked to PJ about it and-”

“You what?” Dan spat, leaning forward towards the boy. Phil flinched. “You talked to PJ about this?”

Of course Phil would go tell their mutual friend about all the sex he’s been having. Great. Now his friends think he’s a slut.

“Yeah…I just thought that he’d know what to do.” Phil seemed unsure of himself now.

“What to do? This isn’t a problem, Phil.” Dan scolded. “And I’d appreciate you not going around and telling our friends about what I do in my private time, thank you very much.”

“I wasn’t trying to-”

“Of course you weren’t, Phil.” Dan didn’t even let Phil finish. He was furious. This was a little secret that he was keeping to himself. So Phil found out. Fine. But Phil was his best friend. He trusted that Phil would keep that kind of thing in their apartment. Now PJ knew, which most likely meant that Chris and Louise did as well. Awesome. Dan was the resident slut.

“I care about you, Dan. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Phil claimed. He looked on the verge of tears but Dan was past the point of reason. He was angry. Phil had no right to tell him what to do and he sure as hell wasn’t going to listen to a word he said. “I just don’t want you doing something you’ll-”

“Regret. Yeah, I get it Phil.” Dan finished for him, standing up. “You know, just because you aren’t getting any, doesn’t mean you can tell me how much sex I’m allowed to have.”

Phil’s eyes went wide and he watched as Dan left the room, heading down the stairs and towards their front door. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys from the hook.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

And like that, Dan was walking towards the pub. Midday, broad daylight, craving something strong. He was going to start early tonight.

  


-

  


He couldn’t even count the bills in his hands, that’s how drunk he was. He felt the warmth in his cheeks as he sat at the end of the bar. It was happy hour and he could feel the beer sitting heavily in his stomach. He looked down at his sweatpants and his stay-at-home t-shirt. Here was a challenge. Pick someone up in the middle of the day, dressed like a hobo. Sounded kind of fun to his intoxicated self. He scanned the bar in hopes of finding someone of interest, only seeing a few regulars like himself and a little old lady in the corner sipping a Daiquiri. He sighed and hunched over the bar, determined to wait. He wasn’t leaving this place unless someone was coming with him. That’ll show Phil.

Forty minutes until someone attractive walked through the door. A man. Attractive and alone. Perfect.

He hopped off the bar stool and tried his best to walk in a straight line, plopping himself down on the seat next to the man who looked even less attractive up close. Dan didn’t care. He was already thinking about getting his dick inside this guy and there was nothing that would stop him now.

“How about I get you a drink?” Dan asked, giving the man a friendly grin. The guy looked at him with little interest, did a double take and then flashed Dan a grin.

“I know you.” He stated, at this point, much more sober than Dan. Dan nodded and smirked.

“I get that a lot. Youtube. Dan Howell. Danisnotonfire.” He declared, proud that he made an impression on some guy of that age. The guy nodded and narrowed his eyes.

“I used to watch you with my girlfriend.” He nodded, seeming to be in awe of his presence. Shit. A girlfriend.

“Used to?” Dan laughed, pretending to be slightly offended. In reality, he couldn’t care less about if this guy watched his videos. He was fishing about the chick. Were they still together?

“Yeah. We uh…aren’t really talking right now.” He admitted. Dan mentally complimented his ability to get that out of him in one question. Or maybe this guy was just desperate to tell people? That probably means it was recent. Dan nodded sympathetically.

“Well that makes two of us.” Dan raised his eyebrows. “I’m not really talking to my guy right now either.”

A stretch of the truth? Maybe. Would it work? Probably.

“So you’re into guys?” The man looked intrigued, an eyebrow up. Dan had this in the bag.

“You could say that.” Dan admitted, winking and trying not to come on too strong. It almost seemed like this guy needed that though.

“Well then I’ll take the drink if you’re buying.” The male said, nodding and leaning in a tad closer. Dan flagged over the bartender, letting the other man pick out a fruity drink for the each of them. He politely drank it while he listened to the man tell him about his brother’s drinking problem. Dan attempted to give advice but he only found it rather ironic as he was too drunk to speak a coherent thought. He shut up and worked on his drink slowly, letting the lightheaded spinning return as he listened to another guy chat him up.

  


-

  


He kissed up the guys neck in the hallway near the public bathroom. He melted, like the rest, grabbing Dan’s ass and giving it a squeeze. He slid his hand up the guy’s shirt and ran it along his stomach. The sign that it was best they continue at home. Dan pulled off of the man’s neck and suggested they get out the pub, the guy agreeing hastily and Dan pulled him out the door and around the corner. He felt much more exposed now that it was daylight but he was too drunk to care. He just led the man to his door, unlocking it and dragging him inside.

He wasted no time, attaching himself to the guys lips, he pushed him against the wall and slid his hands down the guys thigh. He mewled under Dan’s touch and Dan just smiled through their kiss. This was better than most of the partners he’d had so far. Maybe he should give day drinking a go a little more often.

He slowly led the man up their stairs and further into their flat, not letting his lips travel further than an inch or two from his face as he did so, pulling the strangers shirt off and discarding it in their hallway. He was running his hands through the guy’s hair and leaving scratches down his back as the other guy kissed him harder.

He was drunk.

Too drunk to remember that Phil also lived in this flat and that it was the middle of the day. Phil was not asleep, in fact, Phil was standing right there.

Dan locked eyes with the raven haired boy, glaring over the other man’s shoulder and keeping the stranger from looking in his direction. Phil looked shocked, totally caught off guard by Dan’s intrusion. He should have known. He practically forced Dan to do it.

Dan quickened his pace, dragging the man into his room, giving Phil one last angry look and then slamming the door. He didn’t think about the face Phil was making, nor did he let it stay long in his memory. He turned to the man who was now panting in front of him and grinned. Dan stepped closer to him and brought his mouth to his ear.

“Will you do me a favor?” Dan asked in his sexiest voice. The one that he used with everyone. The man simply hummed and gave Dan a simple nod. “I have a thing for men who make noise…” His stomach did a flip. He knew this was horrible but after what Phil said this morning, he had every right. “We’re the only two here so I’d love to hear you scream…”

The guy seemed to perk up when Dan told him they were the only two there. Maybe that was exactly what he wanted to hear but the guy bit his lip and glanced at the bed.

“Oh we’ll be loud alright.” The man grabbed Dan into another kiss and guided him over to the unmade bed. Normally Dan prepared a little more but since this arrangement was rather impromptu, his bed was still in shambles from his restless sleep the night before.

The guy carefully lied on top of him and Dan moaned as he worked his way down Dan’s neck. Aside from the young lady the night before, not many people cared to return Dan’s kisses. It was pleasant to feel someone reciprocating and it was almost like the guy wanted to do something for Dan. He wanted Dan to feel good, not the other way around.

Before Dan could blink, the guy was yanking off his clothes. Modesty didn’t bother him anymore. Plenty had seen his dick and none had complained. His confidence was through the roof and even in a drunken state, he could always hold an erection. Perks of being young he guessed.

He glanced down and saw that the stranger had his mouth around him and he was throwing his head back in ecstasy, making sure to let out a moan - louder than usual. The man seemed to like this and swallowed his length, gripping onto Dan’s thighs and leaving little crescents where his fingernails dug in. It hurt, but Dan didn’t mind. He was finally getting something in return.

When the guy finished up what he was doing, he pulled off his pants so that he was entirely naked, then he slinked up Dan’s body and pinned him down. It was only then that Dan realized how big this man was. Much bigger than he was. He was pretty much Dan’s height, his shoulders broad and bulky and his jaw seemed much more chiseled than Dan was used to. He wasn’t the prettiest but his body was a masterpiece. Dan applauded himself at his good find.

“Dan…” the man whispered into his ear. “I’m going to fuck you until you scream.”

Dan froze.

The guy was looking at him with a dark shade in his eyes. One that Dan hadn’t noticed before.

“Actually…” Dan said, putting on his sexy face once again. “I was thinking…” He slid his hand down the guy’s chest. “That I could fuck you.”

The guy stared at him for a moment and then laughed, throwing his head back. He didn’t let go of Dan’s shoulders, keeping him pinned to the spot and then he craned his neck down and bit at Dan’s sensitive neck, making Dan wince a little.

“That’s funny. Dan Howell. A top?” He shook his head. “What a story that would be! Dan Howell, twink Youtuber, tops one night stand!”

He laughed like it hadn’t happened before. Dan’s breathing started to get a little heavier.

“I never thought that I’d get the opportunity to fuck you Dan Howell, but now that I have it, I’m not wasting it so you can live out some wet dream you have when you’re drunk.” The man spat the words in Dan’s face and even though Dan was drunk, he was quickly sobering up. Never in a million years did he ever consider this being a problem. Never in a million years did he consider his fame getting him into this mess.

“I don’t really want to-”

“I bet you’re nice and stretched too, huh? You and your little housemate Phil play all the time, don’t you?” he cooed, licking his lips and straddling Dan so he couldn’t move. “It’s a good thing he isn’t home or I’d have you take us both at the same time.”

Dan didn’t care how angry he was at Phil, he didn’t want anyone speaking about his best friend that way. He clenched his fists and tried to wriggle out from under the man who was much stronger than he was.

“Hey, hey, hey, we just got to the good part.” The man used his hips to grind down on Dan’s partially erect cock, forcing two of his fingers into Dan’s mouth. Dan let out a muffled complaint but it just sounded like a moan. “That’s it. Get those nice and wet. The wetter they are, the less this’ll hurt.”

If this guy was talking about what he thought he was talking about, he was in for it now. His eyes went wide and he complained again, trying to remove the fingers from his mouth.

“Would you rather I skip this part?” The stranger asked, smirking down at Dan who was shaking his head, trying to shake the alcohol from his system. He was beginning to feel sick and he was having a hard time seeing straight.

“Please…I don’t feel well. I think we should stop.” Dan said in his calmest voice possible but the guy ignored him completely. He just grinned and placed a hand over Dan’s mouth.

“I’ll make you feel better.” He promised, using his other hand to reach down and tease at Dan’s entrance. Dan jumped at the contact and he whimpered under the man’s strong hand against his mouth. “Such a pretty boy.”

Dan was shaking now, the horribly dry finger teasing at his anus and the man smirking above him made him severely uncomfortable. He shut his eyes and shook his head until it hurt to do so. He tried to mumble a please but it couldn’t be heard.

He braced himself, tensing up everywhere, his toes curling and his eyes squeezed shut, but he was not ready for what happened next. The entire finger, no lube, barely any spit, forced it’s way inside him. He wasn’t prepared for how painful that would be and he screamed. He dug his nails into the man above him, hoping that would stop him but he only moaned in response. He fucking liked it. Of course he did. The loud moan hurt Dan’s ears and he felt a hot tear fall from the side of his eye.

“You’re so tight. No wonder you’re so popular.” The guy teased, sliding the dry finger in and out of Dan’s irritated hole. Dan groaned in pain, louder this time because he was dreading the next step. He would have to be stretched a lot to take this guy. It’s not like he hadn’t noticed the giant erect cock that was sitting on his trapped stomach right now.

He cried a few more hot tears as the man forced his digits in and out of Dan’s hole, cursing himself for being so stupid. The pain had sobered him and now he wasn’t even drunk enough to block this out. This was going to be a part of his stupid memory for the rest of his life. As much as he tried to block out the faces of everyone he ever fucked, this one would always be there. Reminding him of how stupid he was.

If only he hadn’t gone out.

If only he had listened to Phil.

If only Phil was listening to him now.

He knew his best friend and he knew that Phil was probably deep into some Muse album by now, his headphones blocking out the sound of his flatmates cries. It was only fair. Dan brought that on himself. He wanted to piss Phil off. Get back at him for warning him about this exact situation. And now look at him. Lying on his own bed, his flatmate ignoring him and his asshole getting ripped apart by a stranger. Absolutely perfect.

He was removed from his hateful thoughts by another finger, tearing into him and resulting in a scream from Dan. It seemed that this man wanted to hear it though and he let go of Dan’s mouth just in time. The scream was loud and he let out another one right after, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat.

He deserved this.

This was his fault.

He went looking for this.

Keeping his eyes shut, he tried to bring himself to somewhere nice. Somewhere safe. There was no escaping this so he might as well try to ignore it. The pain was impossible to ignore but the man above him was too busy in his own bliss to care what Dan was thinking about.

He brought himself to the stage. Where he and Phil finished their TATINOF tour. The final note to the song hitting them both and bringing them both to tears. He remembered the beautiful feeling of looking over and seeing someone that shared his exact happiness and feeling totally at peace with himself and his best friend.

He brought himself to the moment he got his first million subscribers. Him and Phil celebrating and getting drunk for the right reasons. Dan was doing the thing he loved and he remembered how happy Phil was for him when he finally made it to his goal. Phil gave him a hug that topped every hug he’d ever received. He was going to remember that forever.

He remembered when he first met Phil in person, a nervous wreck and being so relieved when Phil turned out to be a wonderful human being, just how he was over the phone and in their Skype calls. He hadn’t had a best friend for the first 18 years of his life and there Phil was, a savior and a friend who actually gave a shit about him.

But not today.

Dan had made it very clear that he didn’t need saving. He didn’t need Phil’s help and now he was learning what it felt like to be wrong. A lesson he should have learned long ago.

He didn’t realize he was sobbing until he felt a harsh slap on the cheek, snapping him into reality again and forcing him to open his eyes, facing the man above him.

“I want to see your pretty eyes, Dan. Look at me.” He ordered. He wasn’t even trying to be nice anymore. He must know by now that Dan was not into it and he was determined to live out his dream as the guy who got to fuck Dan Howell. Dan looked at him and as if he couldn’t even see the tears, the guy slid a third finger inside him. Dan bit his tongue and could taste blood but it was nowhere near as painful as what was happening below the belt. He was no longer hard and he could feel something running down the skin of his ass. It was blood for sure and he screamed when he felt the man wriggle his fingers around inside him. This was definitely the most pain he’d ever felt in his entire life. “Such a good boy.”

The man moaned loudly as he stroked himself to Dan’s image. Dan tried to break free while the hand was off his chest but he was in too much pain to move now. This man had clearly won and there was nothing he could do about it.

Smiling and giving Dan a mischievous look, he removed his fingers and brought his hands to Dan’s sides. Yupp. There was blood. Dan felt it wiping on his love handles, leaving a handprint of red as the stranger flipped him over and pushed his face into the mattress. He grabbed Dan’s hips and pulled him up so the guy could have better access to Dan’s lower region, holding the boy down with his strong arms as he lined himself up.

“Please!” Dan yelled, sobbing into his own sheets. They didn’t even smell like him. They smelled like the strangers he had allowed to sleep there this week. “Please! Stop. Please!”

The man ignored him and was lining himself up with Dan’s entrance. He didn’t even put on a condom and Dan sobbed loudly just because of that. Another issue he’d just have to deal with later. All because he was stubborn and didn’t know how to listen to his friend.

Dan closed his eyes and swallowed, crying and expecting to pass out any second when he heard stomping. It was hard to hear over his wails but it was getting louder and there was no doubt someone was heading for the room. There was a loud bang on the door then and a very very angry Phil shouting on the other side.

“Will you fucking keep it down, Dan? The neighbors are going to call the cops!” Phil yelled. He never cursed. Phil was pissed. With good reason. Dan had made it very clear he was trying to piss Phil off and to be fair, his plan was to be as loud as possible. Just not under these circumstances.

The man who was about to push in leaned down and whispered in his ear.

“You think we should ask him to join us?”

Dan let out a grunt and tried to push the man off him but it was no use.

“No!” He yelled out at the man above him, immediately wishing he hadn’t. Not because he didn’t want to fight back, but because Phil thought he was talking to him.

“Dan! I’m serious! This isn’t funny! I can hear you screaming from the other side of the house! Shut the hell up or go do this somewhere else! I don’t want to hear this!” Phil said angrily. Dan felt a pang in his stomach. He was shaking uncontrollably and Phil was right on the other side of the door. He knew that if he yelled for help, Phil would come in and Dan didn’t want to drag Phil into this situation. He didn’t want Phil to get hurt. Not to mention, he didn’t want Phil to see this. Not after everything he had said to him.

“I’m sorry…” Dan sobbed, saying it louder than he had to. He wanted to make sure Phil heard him. “I’m so sorry, Phil.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just shut up.” Phil responded, slamming his fist on the door and banging his forehead against it right after. He knew Phil too well and just that sound told him that Phil was upset. Phil only did these things when he was mad at the people he loved. It meant that he was frustrated but he couldn’t walk away. He could picture Phil standing with his forehead against the door and his fist hovering above it. He would kill to see Phil’s face right now. He would kill to take back everything.

It was then that the stranger violated him completely, forcing Dan to let out a scream. His eyes were going fuzzy with tears and he couldn’t bear it much longer. He was going to pass out. He let out one last sob and blacked out completely. At least he said he was sorry.

  


-

  


Dan woke to a blinding light. For a moment, he thought he was dead. But then he felt the pain and he knew he must be alive. No post death scenario would let him carry this pain with him. Then again, he hasn’t been the greatest person lately. Maybe Hell was closer than he thought.

It wasn’t until he recognized the tile ceilings and the off-green walls that he realized he was in a hospital. He sat up quickly and looked around. He was actually handcuffed to the bed and when he saw that he panicked a little. His heart rate shot up, said the monitor, and a fleet of nurses came running into the room. They lied him back against the elevated chair and tried to make him calm down.

Fuck.

How did he get here?

He let them do some tests and then he hissed as they moved him to an upright position. One of the nurses told him that a doctor would be in to see him shortly and all Dan could think about was going home. He just wanted to sleep and forget about it all, like he did with every other face he met while he was drunk. But no, here he was, in a hospital because he couldn’t handle his liquor and because he told his friend to mind his own business.

Oh God.

Phil.

He was about to call after one of the nurses but the door slammed behind the last one and he was left with silence again. Shit.

He waited patiently until the doctor came in. Introducing herself, she sat down next to his bed and pulled out a clipboard. He had seen this in movies. She was asking about a rape kit. He had accidentally watched too much Law and Order to not know what was going on. She spoke gently and carefully and he wished she would just cut to the chase. Yeah, he was raped. He just wanted to go home. (If he still had a home to go back to. At this point, he didn’t know.)

“Can you tell me what happened, Daniel?”

“Just Dan is fine.” He attempted to make this less formal.

“Okay, Just Dan, please tell me what happened.”

“I was stupid, went out and got drunk and then brought the wrong guy home.” He said with enough shade towards himself that he watched the doctor raise her eyebrows in shock. She wrote something down and nodded.

“Okay. I understand that you’re feeling a lot of things right now, Dan, but I need you to tell me exactly what happened so that we can get this guy in trouble, alright?” she explained. Dan sighed. No point in fighting this part he guessed, so he rolled his eyes and told her what he could remember. All the way up to when he passed out. The drinking hadn’t helped but it was pretty clear what happened and he didn’t need to fill in those blanks. He asked her if she knew what happened after he passed out and how he got to this place but she said she wasn’t allowed to tell him that information. “Thank you, Dan. We’ll send in someone to do a kit and then get you in contact with someone to talk to, alright? I hope you’re feeling well soon.”

As if this was a sickness.

  


-

  


It took hours before he was discharged and the whole time he was in the room, he couldn’t help but think about how he ended up there in the first place. Phil had to have called the police. They had to have come in and found him passed out and bloody. Someone must have seen him. Phil must have seen him. Dan cringed at the last thought, hoping that Phil hadn’t looked. Dan didn’t remember much but he remembered what he looked like. A sobbing mess with blood smeared up the side of him like finger paint. That kind of thing would scar you for life. Especially his innocent best friend.

He put on some clothes that had been provided for him and stepped out into the hospital lobby. It hurt to walk but it didn’t matter. He just wanted to go be alone in his bed for a while. For some reason he was expecting Phil to be waiting in the lobby but why would he be? At the current moment, he wasn’t even sure Phil would ever speak to him again. Try having to clean up your stupid best friend’s mistakes. He fucked up pretty badly and he wouldn’t blame Phil for jumping ship while he had the chance.

He called a cab and made it back to his flat. He was glad that someone thought to give him his keys and wallet when they brought him in. Otherwise, he’d have just been stranded. He wasn’t even sure where his phone was.

He pushed the door open and was met with silence. There were only two of them so he was pretty used to that, however, as he shuffled into the flat, he was met with nobody. He knew Phil wasn’t home because the lights were out and Phil’s door was wide open. He wasn’t surprised. Dan sighed and made his way back to his room, stopping in the doorway. His sheets were destroyed. The aftermath of what happened hadn’t been cleared. Why would it be? He’d have to clean up after himself. But not now. Not when all he wanted to do was wallow. So he shut the door, turned around and walked into the lounge, curling up on the sofa and shutting his eyes. It was better than the floor so he just swallowed the pit in his stomach and let himself fall asleep.

  


-

  


When Dan woke up, he could smell curry. It wasn’t the kind of faint smell that wafted over from the neighbor’s vents, this was coming from their kitchen. He sat up carefully and he listened for a moment. Sure enough, he heard the quiet sizzling of something in a pan and someone stirring it.

Phil.

He had come back.

Dan’s heart sank and he took a moment to gain the courage to get up, shoving his hands in his pockets and waddling over to the kitchen door. He lingered outside of it for a moment and then he used his shaky hand to let himself in. Phil jumped a little when he heard the door squeak but when he turned to see that it was Dan who had entered, his gaze softened and he returned it to the food on the stove.

“You’re up,” he observed, pointing to the food. “Just in time as well.”

Dan said nothing and just watched as Phil stirred the curry in the pan like nothing had happened.

“Go sit at the table, I’ll bring you some.” Phil ordered. Dan didn’t have the energy to argue so he turned slowly and shuffled over to the lounge again. He hoped Phil didn’t notice his walk and how sad it looked. He couldn’t move his bottom half much without wincing so he was happy Phil wasn’t there to witness him sitting down in his favorite colored chair. He sat with his elbows on the table while he waited for Phil to come in with dinner.

Phil carried two plates into the room on his arm and utensils in his hand. Dan was impressed but he didn’t say anything because it wouldn’t feel right that his first words since the incident were about balancing silverware. Phil placed the plates on the table, the one in front of Dan including more curry because it was his favorite. He smiled lightly as he pulled the plate closer to his body. Phil sat across from him and rubbed his hands together before digging in. Dan watched as Phil shoveled some of the rice and curry into his mouth. Dan realized he was staring so he shook the look off his face and then went for his own meal.

The silence was weird but it wasn’t unwelcome. Dan had no idea what to say and Phil wasn’t going to bring it up, clearly. He still wasn’t even sure what happened after he blacked out. How long was he in the hospital? How much had Phil seen?

He decided the questions could wait and he finished his food, trying to show Phil how much he appreciated it without saying anything at all. The message was received when he finished everything on his plate, God he was hungry, and pushed it from himself in content. Phil smiled and swallowed his last bite, picking up the dishes and relocating them to the sink. Dan waited exactly where he was while he waited for another instruction to come from his mind, but nothing came. He didn’t know how to act and his mind was racing. He was sober now, clearly, and the thought of another drink repulsed him.

Phil strolled back in, stopping when he saw Dan sitting where he had been before. Dan watched him carefully as he came over and sat back down across from him, looking into Dan’s eyes directly. Dan wasn’t sure what he looked like right then, but he was sure it was nothing short of a mess.

“Are you tired?” Phil asked him. Dan stared into space, pursed his lips and nodded finally in response, deciding that yes, he was rather sleepy. Even if he wasn’t, he’d rather be unconscious then deal with his thoughts. “Well then perhaps it’s time for bed.”

Phil stood from the chair he had sat in for less than a few seconds and walked to the doorway of the lounge. He turned back towards Dan and his gaze saddened a bit. Dan could tell that look anywhere. It was the look Phil had given him when he tried to suggest he stop going out so much. It was the look Phil gave Dan when he pitied him. Dan winced and dropped his eyes to the floor. He didn’t want to see that look on Phil’s face. Not right now.

Phil hesitated for a moment, holding that look for only one more second and then turning his head in an effort to revoke it. “I’m headed to bed.”

Phil was either pretending nothing was wrong because he didn’t know how to act or he was trying to cheer Dan up by ignoring it. He turned fast and headed down the hallway without a second glance leaving Dan by himself at the table. He clearly wan’t angry at Dan though. That, or he had just given up altogether, playing nice because he pitied Dan’s situation. Dan didn’t care either way. He didn’t care about anything right now.

Dan stood finally after three minutes of contemplation and shuffled down the hallway. He was hurting more now, his legs weak and his bottom half feeling like it was on fire. He went for his room and went to turn the doorknob when he froze. His room was in no condition to sleep in. Not to mention, he wasn’t ready for the sight on the other side. Not yet. Not now. Not when he had to try so hard to block it out already.

He considered his options for a moment while he stood outside the door.

He didn’t want to sleep on the couch. As comfortable as his sofa crease was, it was no replacement for a bed and after everything Dan had been through, all he wanted was a soft surface to lie on. He glanced at Phil’s closed door. There was a bed in there.

He couldn’t.

Could he?

There was no light seeping from under the crack of the door but there was no way that Phil was already asleep. Even Dan knew his friend couldn’t fall asleep that fast. Phil usually read himself to sleep - as evident by the books he sometimes found beside Phil when he woke him up some days. He looked at his own door again and then sighed.

He wouldn’t be able to sleep without a bed. And it couldn’t be his own.

He reached his arm up slowly and softly knocked on the door to his left. He heard a little bit of shuffling and then a voice that called “Come in!”

Dan turned the knob and cracked the door just enough for his face to fit inside. He gulped and cleared his throat. Phil was blinking up at him (he couldn’t see anyway because he had taken his glasses off) and expecting a response. It almost looked like he expected Dan to come knocking. Dan noticed the book in Phil’s hand and the small table lamp on beside him - an image that Dan was used to. His friend was shirtless, most likely wearing his cookie monster pajamas beneath the duvet. His usual bedtime attire. Dan almost smiled at the familiar image.

It took him a moment to realize that he was being stared at and he needed to say something. It had to be now.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” he blurted.

Shit.

He didn’t mean for it to sound like that.

“I mean…can I…sleep in here. With you. Tonight?” Dan clarified, Phil looking more concerned than ever now. In the many years that they had lived together, not once had Dan asked that. Many years ago, in 2009, Dan would come spend the night and he would borrow a space in bed with Phil, but they were younger and Dan was a little flirt. It was almost funny. Phil blinked away the shock and looked down at the extra space in his bed.

“Y-yeah…” Phil answered, probably just as caught off guard by his forwardness as Dan was. “Sure.”

He pat the bed next to him and pulled back a bit of the duvet. Dan nodded and he closed the door behind him as he walked over to Phil’s bed. The many times he had been on this bed while filming made him smile a little as he climbed into it slowly. He winced a little, silently and it was nearly dark so he doubted that Phil could see it.

Once he was somewhat comfortable, he turned to face away from Phil and scooted as far from him as possible. Phil didn’t say anything, he just made himself comfortable as well, putting his book down on the side table and sighing. Dan hoped that if he wasn’t facing the older boy, he wouldn’t feel as embarrassed.

He was wrong.

“It’s been a while since we’ve shared a bed,” Phil joked, laughing nervously. “Reminds me of the good old days.”

Dan was quiet. At least Phil was thinking the same thing.

“You took up a lot less space back then,” Phil added. “Now it’s like I’m sharing a bed with a giraffe.”

On any given day, Dan would have appreciated Phil’s light humor, most likely being used to lift the mood. But Dan couldn’t laugh back because he was just too nervous.

“At least you’re not loud. I’m sure a giraffe would be a pretty noisy bedmate.”

“Giraffes don’t make noises, Phil.” Dan forced a comment. Phil was being kind enough to let him sleep in his bed, he might as well indulge him a little. Phil liked when Dan quoted his past self so this seemed appropriate. It wasn’t hard to pull from the content he already created.

Phil laughed and nodded.

“Have you ever met a giraffe personally?” Phil teased. Dan said nothing. “That’s what I thought.”

The silence that fell over them scared Dan. This was no longer the silence that gently allowed them to fall asleep, there was an awkward air around them that Dan just couldn’t let go. Phil had been very pleasant, too pleasant, and it was only making Dan wish that he would say something. Anything, about the incident so Dan didn’t have to keep all his thoughts in his head. But he knew it wasn’t fair. Not to Phil, who didn’t ask to be stuck in a apartment with a terrible human being with PTSD or whatever. Dan’s only choice was to remain quiet until Phil brought it up. But of course, Phil wasn’t that guy. Even if he knew Dan was miserable, he would just crack joke after joke in an effort to make Dan laugh. Usually, that worked. Usually, an existential crisis could be solved by his best friend who poked fun at his situations. But this was different. Dan just wanted Phil to talk about it. Tell him that it would be okay. That these things happen. Dan would even be satisfied if Phil blew up, getting angry at him for being such a dick. Throwing him the classic “I told you so”.

It would have been better than silence.

The silence left Dan with his thoughts. He couldn’t close his eyes without thinking about the man who had hurt him. The one that Dan had hand picked, leading him into his own home, then screwing because he was bitter. What a stupid reason to have sex. What a stupid reason to be lying in your friend’s bed, shaking slightly, on the verge of tears. His body hurt everywhere. It was worse from the waist down, but his shoulders were sore from trying to rip away and his neck was sore from the writhing. He couldn’t get comfortable on the pillow and his feet were shifting around to find a comfortable way to lay. One that wouldn’t hurt his bruised hips. Dan could feel the throbbing and the shaking that his body was doing without his consent. He hoped that Phil couldn’t feel the bed shaking with him but it’s not like Phil would tell him anyways.

He could hear Phil drumming his fingers on his chest, clearly lost in thought, as he did sometimes. Dan couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what he did before bed on a usual basis. But then Dan considered what Phil might be thinking about. Was he thinking about Dan? About what to do? About what he looked like? Just picturing Phil’s face being forced to stumble upon that image, Dan being abused, made him shudder. Just thinking about Phil having to call the cops and deal with a rapist made him feel sorry. Just the idea of Phil Lester having to explain to the authorities how he had found his stupid roommate, passed out and crying - all the while, being angry at the same victim, made the hot tears return in his eyes.

Dan had been proud. He hadn’t cried since the incident. He didn’t want to let the man win. He didn’t want to show weakness to himself or to Phil. But thinking about what he had done, thinking about where he was, thinking about Phil, it broke him. He took a shaky breath, cursing himself for being so weak and let out a little sob.

He felt Phil’s head turn in his direction rapidly fast. It was almost impressive. He let himself cry into Phil’s pillow, that at least smelled unlike strangers, for minutes. He just let everything he hadn’t let out before fall onto the pillow and produce a puddle. He would offer to wash Phil’s sheets after tonight, not having the time to bother with hygiene right now.

Phil might have been doing a good job ignoring it all day, but he wasn’t a shitty person. He was one of the most good natured people Dan knew. He couldn’t let a grown man cry beside him without doing something.

“D-Dan?” Phil stuttered, clearly nervous. His voice had changed from humorous to surprisingly calm, waiting for Dan to respond to his name in some way. Dan just sniffled and let out a little whimper. Phil took a moment, but he asked the first question of many, the one that Dan desperately needed him to ask. “Are you okay?”

Dan thought about it for a moment. Was he?

He was hurt pretty bad. That’s for sure. But that would heal.

He did something stupid. He knew that. But he did that all the time and he would get over it eventually.

He had been violated in a place he never wanted to be touched. It would take him a while, but he would figure that out as well. (People have definitely had worse.)

He had had a lot of sex in the past month and honestly hadn’t enjoyed all of it. He only did it to fill something he thought couldn’t be filled. It would be a while before he had sex again, obviously, and at this point he was rethinking his entire lifestyle. What the fuck was he looking for again? A connection?

He let himself think back to his happy places and how all of them involved his best friend, someone that even though he was a complete arse to, still had his back in the worst of situations and the best of situations. That was a connection. He was clearly too stupid to figure that out without getting himself raped.

He had been horrible to Phil. And that, unsurprisingly, made this entire thing more painful.

The truth was, he would be okay. Eventually. The doctor gave him a counselor he was supposed to see for however long he needed, but in the end, he was going to make it. You couldn’t say the same for some people and for that he was lucky. His wounds would heal over time and he would feel less shitty. As long as he kept the connection that meant the most to him.

He shifted around in the bed, careful not to hurt himself, turning slowly to face the older boy who’s leg was moving faster than it ever had before while he waited for something to leave Dan’s mouth. Dan unclenched his fist and placed it gently on Phil’s thigh to stop it from shaking.

He sniffled a little, the tears still rolling down his cheeks, and shook his head. It didn’t matter if he would be okay eventually, he wasn’t okay right now. He didn’t have the air to speak, but Phil got the idea. Phil was obviously nervous. His eyes were wide as if he just now realized how bad this was. Or maybe he was just remembering what Dan looked like when he walked in to find him covered in blood and tears.

Moments later, Dan figured Phil was going to say something like “there, there” and pat his back, but he didn’t. Phil did something that Dan hadn’t expected him to do. He stared at Dan for a few seconds, reached his shaky limbs out and scooped up the younger boy, pulling him into his chest. At first, Dan was reluctant. He didn’t really have the energy to remove himself but he had never been this close to Phil. Maybe as a joke in some videos, but never off camera. It felt slightly wrong. But then Dan’s head was lying on his best friend’s bare chest and he could hear his heartbeat rapidly pounding inside. Dan forgot what it felt like to be touched without the intention of sex and it was working wonders. Phil’s arms were gentle. They didn’t feel like the arms of someone who wanted to hurt him. Dan just allowed himself to be stroked gently on the head, Phil’s finger twirling itself around his little curl. It made Dan smile. Never had he been calmed that fast - not since he was a child.

Dan didn’t gain the courage to say anything for a while. He was trying to calm himself and he was distracted by Phil’s warm embrace. It helped calm his thoughts and when he focused on Phil’s heartbeat, he couldn’t feel the pain as much. Phil pet his hair softly and Dan couldn’t remember the last time someone had done that to him.

“We should probably try and get some rest, don’t you think?” Phil suggested after a while, not letting go of Dan who was definitely not complaining. His voice was so soft. It matched Phil’s skin, the skin that was flush against his cheek. Dan hadn’t realized how long it had been. He would have lied there forever. He was definitely exhausted, but he wanted to be awake if this was how good it felt. However, he nodded. In his head, he vouched to never question Phil’s judgement again. At least for now.

He cleared his throat gently and looked up at Phil who’s eyes opened when he felt he younger boy staring up at him.

“You don’t mind if I…” Dan spoke softly and slowly, gesturing lightly to their embrace and Phil only pulled him in closer.

“Not at all.”

Dan nodded and nestled himself in a comfortable spot on Phil’s chest, letting his hand rest gently on top of it. Phil hummed in response, rubbing small circles into Dan’s back as he took a deep breath.

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil said gently as he pulled the blankets over them both. He reached over and clicked off the side table lamp, then returning to wrap even further around Dan’s body. Dan had never felt more safe as he allowed himself to fall asleep there on Phil’s chest.

  


-

  


Slowly and surely, Dan made his way to recovery. He was strong. Always had been. He had always been able to tackle heavy subjects, blocking out the bad and moving forward. He went to see a counselor and talked it out. He thought it would be awkward but it turned out it was more beneficial than he would have guessed. The therapist not only talked him through the event, but she managed to get him thinking about who he was as a person and what had caused this situation in the first place. Dan had blamed himself, his stupidity, his arrogance - but the counselor helped him see that nobody deserved what had happened to him. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and someone took advantage of him. He had come to terms with that, but he still steered clear of alcohol and his sex drive had returned to a flatline.

His relationship with Phil had moved forward. They didn’t talk about it. Phil had gone to therapy a few times as well by himself to talk out what he had seen. But Phil was strong and it seemed that he pushed it aside rather easily. Dan filled in the blanks about what happened by himself. He knew that the man had been caught and arrested. He knew he was safe. He also knew that he was clear of STD’s which was something he had been panicked about for weeks. He didn’t really need to know about anything else. Maybe blacking out was for the best. Phil wasn’t mad at him anymore and Dan assumed that Phil knew he was sorry. He had stopped going out completely and now spent most of his nights in with Phil, playing video games and watching anime. Everything was mostly normal. Mostly.

Ever since the first night, the only thing that could make Dan feel better when his thoughts began to spiral, was cuddling up into Phil’s arms.

The morning after, Phil had gotten up and made Dan breakfast in bed, recognizing that Dan was in too much pain to move. He was watching Dan carefully, like Dan could break at any moment, which Dan thought was insulting until he went to take a shower. He had only gotten as far as to take off his shirt when he saw the bruises, causing himself to crumble and fall to the floor in tears. Luckily Phil had heard him and he rushed into the unlocked door (he was never locking another door in his life) scooping the younger boy into his arms. He rocked Dan for a few minutes and waited for the panic attack to end, wiping the sticky tears off Dan’s cheeks, then helping the younger boy into bed once again.

A few panic attacks later and Dan had no desire to be further than a few feet away from Phil at all times. Phil was allowing him to sleep in his bed (Dan’s door remaining closed) and every night before the two passed out, Phil would collect Dan into his arms and rub circles into his back as he fell asleep. Even when Phil went to take a shower, Dan would sit outside the door on the hallway floor so that he could hear his friend’s terrible singing. Phil would step out in his three towels, look down at Dan with a concerned smile, walking back to his room to change. Dan would get up, follow him to that door, then wait for the older boy to finish changing before going in and planting himself on the bed to watch Phil do whatever he had to do that day.

This went on for weeks.

Dan’s body had healed completely and he had gotten to the point where he had stopped visualizing the man’s face above him. The therapy had ended and he had stopped having panic attacks. He was laughing and making videos like he had before. But going an hour without being near Phil, not possible.

Phil didn’t seem to mind, Dan’s presence was just assumed. Neither of them left the house very much and they just kind of carried on as normal. This time with Dan only an arms length away from Phil every second.

The best part about this whole thing was the contact. Dan couldn’t wait for bedtime because he got to curl up next to Phil, in his arms, and listen to him breath softly while he fell asleep. Even if Dan wasn’t tired when Phil went to bed, he would lie there with him for hours while he slept, just for the chance to cuddle. It was his new addiction. Dan had never felt so complete, so safe, so content in his entire life. Phil knew exactly how Dan liked to be held. He knew right where to tuck Dan’s body so that Dan would get the best nights rest and Dan swore he had never slept better. He figured that if he never brought it up, then it wouldn’t change. Why did it need to? They were happy just the way they were. It’s not like their relationship was any different.

Every now and then, Phil would say something about Dan’s room. How it was collecting dust and how it might be time to go in and clean it up. But Dan was afraid to go in there. He was afraid to see what it looked like. He had forced Phil to go in and grab things for him because he was too terrified to open the door. Phil told him that it was okay and that he could take his time but Dan wondered if maybe he was getting impatient with his slow recovery.

It was after two months of sleeping in Phil’s bed, following him around 24/7, and not leaving the flat for anything other than strictly business before Phil finally said something directly.

“Hey Dan?” Phil was drumming his fingers on the computer desk in their office. Dan was sitting in the chair next to the desk, clicking away at his laptop, trying to brainstorm a video. This used to be something he did on his own, but now he liked to have Phil in his sight while he was working. It made him feel more comfortable.

“Mmhmm?” Dan chirped, his mood lifted purely because Phil said something. His head lifted to look at the raven haired boy. There were days where they didn’t say a single thing to each other. It was pretty much like they were alone, even though they were together.

“When do you suppose you’ll be ready to sleep in your own bed again?” His tone was still light, obviously not trying to cause any drama. He was just wondering.

Thing is, Dan didn’t like to think about a world where he had to be a wall apart from his friend. The last time he was in a different room, things ended poorly.

“Um…not sure. Why?” Dan asked, dreading the answer. He didn’t want to hear his friend say that he was getting sick of him. Not when he couldn’t bear being away from him in the first place.

“I’m just thinking maybe it’s time to clean it up. I’ll give you a hand if you want,” Phil offered. He wasn’t looking at Dan, his eyes glued to the computer before him. He was working on editing a video of his own. Dan could see his leg shaking under the table.

Just thinking about the state of his room made him shift in his seat. He looked back down at his computer.

“I don’t know.” He said quietly, knowing that’s not what Phil wanted to hear. Phil nodded and bit his lip.

“Well, just think about it,” he said with a unreadable tone.

Dan didn’t answer. He just glanced up at Phil with worry, then curled up a little more in the chair, trying to focus on making a new video.

  


-

  


A week later, Dan had to go to a follow up appointment with the head of police. Something about making sure his statement was final. He tried to drag Phil along but Phil told him that he was busy and had to get the video he was editing out by a certain time. Dan knew it was an excuse and would have argued but he was kind of curious about making a trip alone anyway. He thought that he could do it. Plus, he was going to the police station. How hard could it be?

He made it, but barely. He was clearly not ready to do things on his own and he was surprised that he got as far as he did. The taxi ride wasn’t too long and there was no issue at the police office, but the ride back almost gave him another panic attack because the man asked him where he lived. Obviously, that was a normal thing for a driver to ask but Dan had to get out of the taxi and get into another one (after pacing for a moment on the side of the road) giving the driver the address to a park nearby, then walking the rest of the mile home with his fingernails digging into his palms.

When he arrived back at home, he was sweating. Not from the walk back, but because he was going through withdrawal. He didn’t even think that it was possible to go through withdrawal from a person. He needed to find Phil. And now. He needed to be near Phil. Or he was going to collapse.

“Phil?” he called when he made it up the first flight of stairs. He noticed the slight tremor in his voice and tried his hardest to hide it. He searched the lounge, then the kitchen and then he stopped when he was halfway down the hallway. His door was open. Wide open in fact. He had not left it that way. He froze. “Ph-Phil…?”

“Oh!” He heard Phil stumble to his feet and slide out of Dan’s room, gently closing the door behind him. Dan’s eyes were wide and Phil looked to be taking in his appearance. “Hi, Dan!”

Dan said nothing, he just stood frozen, glaring at Phil.

“How uh…was your appointment?” Phil asked, not moving from his spot in front of Dan’s door. It was like a stand off. Neither of them were moving. Dan’s mouth was sitting open slightly. “Everything all good?”

Phil was acting unusual. And Dan had a feeling about why.

“What…were you doing in my room?” Dan asked with a shaky voice, still trying to calm down from the brief adrenaline rush he had dealt with.

“Oh I was just cleaning up a little. I went in there to find something and just…” Phil trailed off after making a few casual hand gestures, noticing Dan’s state. Dan knew he looked sad. He could feel his whole face drop but he still hadn’t moved from the spot he was standing.

Phil figured out that he wasn’t going to move so he started walking towards Dan. Slowly and carefully, Phil approached the younger boy and slowly and carefully he went to embrace Dan in a hug.

But Dan didn’t want a hug.

He ducked under Phil and sped walked to his bedroom, flinging the door open and looking inside.

Clean.

That was the only word that came to mind.

Phil had sorted out his bed sheets, replacing them and making the bed up. He had even picked up after Dan. It had been months since Dan had seen his bedroom but he had a clear memory of what it looked like that day. In fact, he couldn’t get it out of his head. Now, Phil had gone in, done the laundry and picked up after Dan, all in the span of three hours. Phil, having been rejected of a hug, stood where Dan once was in the hallway, his leg kind of shaking and waiting for Dan to turn back around. When Dan did turn, he wore a face that he hadn’t made since the incident itself.

“I just think maybe it’s time you sleep in your own bed, Dan,” Phil suggested. He didn’t look like he wanted to be saying those words, but there they were, coming out of his mouth like some sort of advice. “Why don’t you just try it? Just for tonight. We’ll see how it goes.”

Dan’s lip was quivering.

He didn’t want to. He never felt safer than when he was sleeping in Phil’s arms. It gave him the contact he needed. It filled the hole he so desperately wanted to be filled. It was the only thing he looked forward to.

But the last time he didn’t take Phil’s advice, he was broken.

He was afraid to ignore it.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and he nodded slowly. He could feel the tears in his eyes but he bit his lip and willed them to stop.

Then he was in his room, the door shut, sitting on the floor. Phil wanted space. That was clear now.

  


-

  


The next few hours of his life, were miserable. He felt like a child, crying because his parents left him to sleep. He was all but rocking back and forth because Phil had not come back for him. He felt like an absolute loser. He should be able to function without his best friend by his side. He should be able to sleep by himself. He knew that. He knew that Phil was right. He had a problem.

He was so weak.

He knew this day would come and he hadn’t even tried to prepare himself for it.

He curled up in the corner by the wardrobe because he just couldn’t be in a bed by himself and he forced himself to shut his eyes. Sleep would come eventually, it had to.

  


-

  


“Dan?”

Dan awoke to a soft knock on the door. He stayed where he was because if he moved it might ruin the little comfort he had managed to achieve. His face felt red and blotchy and he knew that he looked a mess. He also knew that it was Phil on the other side of the door, probably checking to see if Dan was okay.

What time was it? He fished around in his pocket and checked.

He had slept for seventeen hours. It was early morning.

He made it one night without Phil.

One night, out of the rest of time. He winced just thinking about it.

“Dan? Are you hungry?”

Dan didn’t answer. He wasn’t.

“I’m coming in…”

Wait.

No.

The door opened too fast for Dan to protest and Phil peeked inside. When he saw that the bed was empty and that it was still made up from yesterday, his face fell pale. He looked around the room and he found Dan in the corner, curled in the ball that he had been in since yesterday. Phil’s eyes went wide and he was immediately by Dan’s side.

“Dan!” He wrapped his arms around the younger boy who immediately shut his eyes at the contact. He was shaking but with Phil around him like that, he felt better. Better for the first time in seventeen hours. “Don’t tell me you’ve been down here all night..”

Phil looked guilty. God, Dan was a prick. Always making Phil regret giving him advice. At least this time it wasn’t purposeful.

“I-I’m sorry.” Dan apologized because he knew he had a problem. He had no idea what to do about it. “I’m just…”

“Shhh…it’s okay. Don’t worry. You don’t have to sleep alone.” Phil soothed him, his voice matching the way he stroked Dan’s hair. “I’m sorry. I thought you were ready.”

“I-I want to be,” Dan stuttered, trying not to sob. He could smell Phil and it was intoxicating. He felt relief, just being near him.

“I know. And you will. You just need more time. I understand.” Phil said, never letting his voice get too loud. “Just relax. It’s okay.”

Phil got Dan to stand and he led him out to the kitchen, closing Dan’s bedroom door (the way it would remain for some time), then letting Dan sit on the counter where he liked to perch while Phil made them both some eggs. They made light conversation, talking about a possible collab that they were attempting to organize. Once again, they pushed the past behind them and that night, Dan climbed into bed next to Phil, falling asleep instantly to the sound of Phil’s heart.

  


-

  


Dan worked on it.

He never said anything out loud to Phil, but he tried really hard and made an actual effort at distancing himself so that Phil could get some more time without him. When they were both home and had plans to do things on their own, Dan would give Phil time to do it. He would go into the lounge and watch TV while Phil remained upstairs editing videos. Phil could take showers and Dan could remain in the kitchen to cook. It became much more like it used to be and Dan hoped that Phil was noticing his effort.

In fact, it sort of threw Phil off at first. Phil would go to the office to edit a video and he would expect Dan to be right behind him, but Dan would force himself to stay in the lounge and scroll the internet while he waited for Phil to be done. It was hard in the beginning, but it got easier. The first couple of times, Phil came back to check on Dan because he couldn’t figure out why Dan hadn’t followed him up there.

“Are you okay, Dan?” he would ask tentatively, peeking his head in the lounge. His eyes would meet a smiling Dan and Phil would narrow his eyes in confusion.

“Yeah, why?” Dan tried to act cool. It made him happy that Phil had noticed his lack of presence. At least he cared.

“No reason…” Phil’s leg would bounce a couple times but he would nod and lick his lips. “Just making sure.”

Then he would go back upstairs and continue for a few hours before coming down and sitting next to Dan again. Dan trusted that Phil would always come back. And it seemed he would come back more often now that Dan was giving him a little more space around the flat. He was proud of himself and he felt like it was better for both of them.

Phil could go get groceries without Dan freaking out and Dan could leave the house so long Phil was right beside him and they didn’t go anywhere too crowded or chaotic. That wasn’t really a problem because they went everywhere together anyway. They didn’t have a ton of friends that they regularly saw so when they did plan something, they just invited them over to their flat where Dan would feel more comfortable.

However, sleeping was a different story. He still couldn’t go into his own room. He kept that door closed and didn’t go near it. He always veered left and into Phil’s room when it was time for bed. At the end of the day, he still needed Phil’s arms around him no matter how much he tried.

One night, Phil announced that he was getting tired, getting up and stretching before heading to his bedroom. When Phil finally did walk to his room, he observed that Dan had not followed him directly. He walked back out shirtless, his glasses crooked and his hair a mess, looking at Dan. Dan looked up and smiled telling Phil that he wasn’t really tired yet and that Phil could head to bed without him. Phil looked shocked to say the least and he almost didn’t accept that as an answer. But Dan insisted because he really wanted to prove to himself and Phil that he didn’t need to go to bed when Phil did to feel safe. So Phil nodded slowly and went to bed by himself before hours later, Dan climbed into his bed and Phil accepted him into his arms.

Dan felt bad about the whole situation. He knew that Phil missed the alone time he used to have and Dan was being a pain in the ass. The last thing Dan wanted was for Phil to feel like he had to take care of a child so he tried his very hardest to not make the dependency obvious.

Considering the circumstances, things were better.

He was better.

Dan’s birthday was coming up and he had worked hard to get to a point where he could consume a little bit of alcohol. He had had one glass of wine since the incident and it didn’t effect him too terribly. It was tough for the first few sips, the taste of alcohol reminding him of everything at once, but by the end of the glass and some supportive looks from his best friend, he was fine.

Dan decided that he wanted to go out to dinner for his birthday. This was a big step for him and he knew that, but he really wanted to do something nice for Phil because Phil had been so patient with him these past few months. So he conjured up the courage to call and make a reservation at one of the fanciest restaurants in town. One that Phil kept talking about. Now all he had to do was ask.

“Hey Phil?” Dan piped up one night while he was lying on the older boy’s chest. He had coined a spot that he felt the most comfortable in and he was able to find it almost immediately when he lied down.

“Hm?” Phil kept stroking Dan’s hair and rubbing circles into Dan’s arm like he did every night.

“For my birthday…I was thinking we could go out to dinner.” Dan suggested, his eyes meeting Phil’s in the very dim light coming from Phil’s night light (put there upon request of Dan). “Are you free that night?”

Of course he was free that night. Phil wouldn’t dare make plans. He knew that. He just wanted Phil to feel like he had the option. His eyes met with a pair of raised eyebrows.

“You want to go out?” Phil asked, stopping his stroking for a moment, a grin teasing his lips.

“Yeah…I think maybe that’d be fun.” Dan played gently with the hair on Phil’s chest. “We haven’t in a while so I don’t know, I thought we could actually eat somewhere other than our lounge.”

He chuckled nervously, referencing the many home cooked meals, pizza nights and carry out dinners they had indulged in the past few months.

“Sure, I’m free. Sounds fun.” Nodding with a smile, he resumed his motions. “Where do you want to go?”

“Oh. Well I called Duck and Waffle and made a reservation for-”

“Duck and Waffle?” Phil’s head snapped up and he stopped moving entirely. Dan jumped a little and Phil shot him a guilty glance. “Sorry.” He pet Dan’s head again, this time a little harder. Dan could tell he was worried. “Dan, that’s in the middle of the city.”

Dan blinked up at him.

“I know. I just-”

“It’s also an extremely smart restaurant. Why don’t we try and go to-”

“No.” Dan felt bad for cutting the older boy off but it was his birthday after all and he wanted to prove to Phil that he could do it. He didn’t want to be a child about this. “I mean…if it’s money you’re worried about I’ll take care of it. I just thought it would be…”

Dan thought for a moment, fishing for the right word.

“…good.”

Phil was silent for a moment, staring at Dan with those big blue eyes that were always so filled with worry, finally nodding and giving Dan a sigh.

“Alright. What time?”

“Seven thirty.” Dan smiled and took a deep breath.

They exchanged goodnights and Dan fell asleep feeling proud of himself for doing something for Phil for once.

  


-

  


When the day came, Dan had already impressed himself a few times.

Firstly, he had allowed Phil to get up and go make breakfast for him while he slept in a little. It was his birthday and Phil insisted.

Secondly, he left the house without Phil. Even though it was just to the corner store a couple blocks from their apartment, they were out of bath tissue and they were preparing to go together when Dan’s mum called to wish him a happy birthday. Usually, Dan liked his privacy so he told his mum he would call her back and he argued with Phil to let him go by himself. Phil seemed totally shocked but what person would argue with someone about the choices on their birthday? He finally agreed but told Dan that if he needed him, he would be there in a moment. Dan called his mum and went to the store and back with no issue.

Lastly, he wanted to wear some fancy clothes to the restaurant that evening and although he had Phil pull most of his clothes from his bedroom, he hadn’t really felt the need to have the nicer ones easily at hand. When Phil was showering and getting himself ready, Dan held his breath as he entered the room he forgot was even there. He went for his closet immediately, not stopping for one moment to think, grabbed the shirt and returned to the lounge where he waited for his turn to shower. It hadn’t even been that bad.

They made it into the cab just in time and they were on their way to the restaurant. Dan actually felt good. He felt relaxed and he was feeling super hyped about his accomplishments that morning. Phil looked over to him and furrowed his brow.

“I like your shirt.” He complimented, leaning forward a little to inspect it. “You haven’t worn that in a while.”

“Well it’s a rather smart shirt, Phil. I haven’t really been anywhere smart recently,” he responded, the snakiness intended.

“It’s just, I don’t remember grabbing that one for you.” Phil said, inspecting the sleeve. Phil had a pretty good memory. “Dan did you…?”

Dan just smiled and he looked out the window. Phil sat up and nodded, giving Dan the approval he wanted for the task that he deemed the hardest that morning.

The restaurant wasn’t that far from their flat and when they arrived to the city, the taxi driver dropped them off at the corner of the street about a block down. Phil tried to get the driver to drop them off closer to the restaurant but he simply told them he couldn’t, charging them and kicking them out. Phil shot Dan an apologetic glance as they got out onto the busy London street. Dan gulped as he looked around and Phil noticed immediately.

“You alright?” Phil asked, turning and stepping closer to his trembling friend. “Here, take my hand.”

There was only a small chance of a subscriber finding them on a one block journey so Dan said fuck it and grabbed the older’s palm in his own. It was warm and comforting and soon Phil was leading them through a crowd. Dan kept himself tucked close to Phil and they walked hastily down the street until they found their destination.

They were brought to a table with a beautiful view and Dan was secretly glad that it was far from anyone else. Their little table was tucked away in a dimly lit corner that seemed far too romantic for two friends. Dan chose to ignore it, much more focused on his ability to function as a human, reading the menu and trying to decide what kind of drink he wanted. Phil noticed him looking at the drink menu but didn’t say anything, probably overwhelmed by all of Dan’s bold moves tonight.

They both ordered some interesting drinks and they asked their waitress what she suggested as far as meals went. She suggested their famous dish, Duck and Waffles, to which Dan and Phil kind of shrank in embarrassment. They should have guessed that much.

“This is why we can’t go out to nice places,” Phil remarked once the lady had gone. Dan laughed back and nodded.

“I guess we just weren’t meant for it.”

They admired the decor for minutes while they waited for their drinks to be served, laughing about the last fancy dinner they had attended (which was Louise's birthday of course.)

Dinner went well and Dan had zero issue with his drink, his food, the people, the noise, nothing. He was perfectly fine and the way Phil was looking at him made him proud. Phil knew him better than anyone and it was comforting to know that he was in support of Dan’s progress.

What Dan didn’t expect, was for Phil to mention it.

“Hey, as it’s you’re birthday, I feel like I should mention something to you.”

“Mm, and what is that Phil?” He put his nearly empty drink glass down and he leaned his elbows on the table only to rest his cheeks on his hands. He knew it was poor etiquette but it was his birthday and he could do whatever he wanted.

“I’m really proud of you.” Phil said, his words acting like music to his ears. He visibly blushed.

“R-really?”

“Yeah. I think you’re really strong, Dan Howell. I admire you for it.” His best friend nodded, reaching out and brushing the little curl in Dan’s hair from his forehead. This would have been weird a few months ago but it was something Phil did when they were snuggling all the time so Dan just deemed it as normal. He closed his eyes at the contact and blushed even more.

“Thank you.” He said softly. He was being rewarded for his hard work verbally and nobody but Dan could understand how much it meant to him. “I’ve been trying.”

“Well keep it up. You’re amazing.” Phil gave him a thumbs up and Dan grinned as they ordered a chocolate cake to share.

The ride home was silent, both boys in a food coma and in need of sleep. They both went to Phil’s room, changed into pajama pants, went into the bathroom to brush their teeth, then they sleepily walked back. Just like they usually did. They neared the end of the hallway and Dan swallowed every fear he had developed over the past three months and he reached out to grab Phil’s arm. Phil stopped and turned around, a tired smile on his face.

“What, did I forget something?” He asked the younger and Dan scratched his arm as he looked to the floor. He thought hard about what Phil said to him at dinner, all the things he had done that day, and he took a deep breath before speaking.

“I think I better sleep in my own bed tonight.” His words were so quiet that Phil wasn’t entirely sure he heard them correctly. Dan could tell because he was looking at Dan with a more surprised look than he had given him all night.

Dan didn’t like the silence that followed. He couldn’t tell if Phil was suggesting he not do it or if he was just speechless because he hadn’t expected it. Or maybe it was both. He wanted the older boy’s approval so he waited for him to respond.

“A-alright.” Phil nodded finally, not looking away from Dan’s face. Dan looked unsure, he knew it, but with his positive streak today, it seemed like it was time. “Well. If you need anything…I’m right in there.”

Phil pointed to the bedroom that Dan had called his own for a while now. It was clear that this was an uncomfortable moment for Phil because even though his room was his to begin with, it had become just as much Dan’s over the past few months. Dan nodded and he got the balls to grip his bedroom doorknob, twisting it and letting himself inside. Phil watched him enter and he waited until Dan closed the door to retreat to his own room.

Dan stood there for a moment, taking in the clean bedroom in front of him and he nodded. The memories had faded and it was definitely time to move on. He was strong. Phil had said so. He could do this. He knew he could.

He walked over to the bed, peeled back the duvet and he let himself climb into the bed. It was comfier than he remembered and he realized that it smelled like clean laundry. Thanks to Phil, the bed sheets were clean and he thought about the older boy as he sniffed them obsessively. It was nice to not smell strangers or cigarettes or anything else he had dragged in many months ago. But it didn’t smell like Phil and he had grown so accustomed to his best friend’s scent that he was going to have to get used to his own again.

But that would happen. And he would sleep in his own bed again the next night. Then the next week. Then soon he’d be moving all of his things back into the room he owned and leaving Phil with his own bed for once in many months.

  


-

  


Things didn’t change much except the cuddling had stopped. They would stagger their bedtimes, like they had before, but Dan didn’t go out. Instead, he would watch documentaries about things late at night, scrolling through tumblr and writing tweets to fuck with the fans. This was fine.

Phil would get up early, something he rarely did when they shared a bed, making breakfast and watching cable in the morning until Dan came out of his room midday in which Phil would indulge in a second breakfast and watch anime with him while they ate.

Dan had healed. He didn’t think about the incident much anymore. It was something from his past. The last step seemed to be the one where he slept alone. Now he felt like he could do anything by himself. Just like he used to. Phil would even go away for the weekend to see his family and Dan would perfectly fine at the house by himself. He still didn’t like to go out that much but he never really did, it was only something he did to prove that he was someone he wasn’t. It was unhealthy anyway and he promised himself that he would never stoop that low again. He saw what happened last time.

Life was good. He was good.

His flatmate however, not so much.

He noticed the older boy was acting a little strange and he nearly asked about it a few times but it was really none of his business anyway so he figured if it was important, Phil would tell him. Occasionally Dan would catch Phil in the corner of his eye looking at him for a while, then when Dan turned his head, Phil would look down and away. Once even, Dan caught Phil checking on him in the middle of the night. It gave him quite the startle when he woke to the older boy peering into his bedroom at 3:00am, but he just wrote it off as something Phil did when he was worried about Dan.

Dan wasn’t particularly happy with the fact that Phil was still giving him that look of sadness because he felt that he was over it. Phil no longer needed to baby him. Even though he treated Dan like a normal human being again and he didn’t question everything he suggested anymore, he for some reason kept looking at Dan with a sad tint behind his big blue eyes. Dan didn’t even know how to explain it so he couldn’t even ask.

One day when the two of them were watching a movie, Dan caught Phil doing it again. It was getting late and Dan was certainly tired (his mind not quite filtering his speech anymore). He reached for the remote and paused the film.

“Phil.”

Phil snapped out of it and he tried to look like he was at attention. He clearly had no idea he was doing it because he looked very confused.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Dan tried to hide the frustration but he wasn’t really doing a good job. It had been months. What was his deal?

“Like what?”

“Like…like…” Dan struggled to find the right words and with zero stutter he finished. “Like I’m dying or something.”

Phil’s eyes went wide.

“What?” He was clearly confused. “I don’t know what you mean…”

“I don’t know! I feel like every time I turn around you’re just looking at me like I’m a wounded rabbit or something!” He sighed and threw his head back and groaned. “I’m fine now, Phil. You don’t need to look at me like that.”

“I…I didn’t know I was-”

“Maybe not, but please. Stop doing it. It makes me feel…” Dan didn’t even know what it made him feel. Inferior perhaps? Inadequate? “It makes me feel like you’re pitying me.”

Phil didn’t say anything in response, he just stared at the TV and away from Dan for the rest of the night. Dan un-paused it and they sat in silence while they finished up the movie.

Dan saw less of Phil after that.

He kind of felt bad. After not talking about the incident for so long and then bringing it up like that, he wasn’t sure what he had done and he hoped that Phil wasn’t hurt by the words he said.

As usual, he waited until Phil approached him about the issue. He had no intention of prying. Phil’s business was Phil’s business.

“D-Dan?” He heard the elder’s voice from the hallway after he had climbed into his own bed and unlocked his phone to get in a cheeky scroll through twitter before bed.

“Yah?” Dan called, implying that Phil could open the door. The door squeaked a little and Phil poked his head in. “What’s up, Phil?”

Phil’s eyes looked deeply saddened and Dan was almost alarmed. He sat up and placed his phone down on the duvet. He hadn’t seen Phil all day and he just realized how sickly the older boy looked.

“Phil, are you okay?” Dan watched as Phil opened the door all the way and Dan took in his full appearance. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and his hair was a wreck. His pants were riding low on his hips and his glasses were falling from his nose. The bags under his eyes were giving the blue orbs a saggy appearance and Dan blinked a few times, not believing he hadn’t noticed the state of his friend before this moment. “Wh…what’s wrong?”

Dan patted his duvet, signaling to his friend to come sit down. Phil hesitated but eventually he moved himself over to the bed, sitting gently down on the edge.

“Talk to me.” Dan ordered, tempted to reach out and smooth the rough patches in his hair.

Phil took a moment, his eyes kind of closing and his head turning to look at Dan again.

“I can’t sleep.”

“You can’t sleep?” Dan repeated, trying to figure out how that was relevant. Phil shook his head. “Well…take some melatonin or something?”

Phil blinked at him.

“Tea?” Dan was confused as to why Phil was coming to him for this. Usually Dan was the one with insomnia and Phil would give him the weird remedies that were passed down by his grandmother. Everyone had those kinds of nights. “Didn’t your grandma say you should-”

“No, Dan.” Phil stopped him. Dan pursed his lips and waited. “I can’t sleep.”

Phil took a deep breath.

“I haven’t slept in weeks. I can’t. It’s like I put my head on the pillow and I lie there for hours but it’s no use. I just can’t fall asleep. I’ve tried everything!” Phil let out his confession in pretty much one breath, his eyes closing like he was fighting a headache. Dan stared silently to see if Phil had anything else to say but he had stopped talking, the sound of silence filled the room.

“Maybe see a sleep doctor? What do they call those? Sleep Specialists?” Dan kind of laughed at his suggestion, still wondering why Phil hadn’t come up with these solutions himself. He watched Phil hang his head, shaking it slowly. “When’s the last time you got a good night’s rest?”

That’s when Phil looked up and gave Dan the saddest eyes he’d given him so far. Dan squinted at him as if to say “what the hell, dude? We talked about this“, but Phil’s eyes welled up and Dan felt bad immediately afterwards.

“Do you remember?” Dan asked after Phil hadn’t responded in a few seconds. Phil nodded, putting his face in his hands and rubbing his cheeks in frustration. “Well when was it?”

Phil dropped his hands, glanced down and mumbled into his chest.

“The night before your birthday.”

Ah.

That’s why Phil was coming to him.

Dan looked at him with big brown eyes for what seemed like forever. He felt bad as Phil fidgeted with the duvet under him while Dan tried to process what the hell Phil had just said.

“The night before my birthday?” Dan asked, clarifying that yes, Phil was referencing the last night they had spent in the same bed. Phil nodded, confirming this theory and Dan fell silent.

It had been a while since Dan had thought about those few months. The ones where Dan was too afraid to leave Phil’s side and his inability to sleep by himself or without the comfort of Phil’s arms around him. He certainly hadn’t thought about the night he had curled himself in the corner of his own room, shaking and falling asleep because he couldn’t handle being conscious for that long away from his best friend. It was a miserable way of living and he had blamed it all on the incident. It was a monumental moment when he was able to sleep on his own. It was hard, he did struggle, but with Phil’s motivation and kind words of encouragement, he had made it out on the other side. He was grateful for a lot of things Phil had done, walking him through those few months of his life was one of them.

But Phil hadn’t had an incident. He had no reason to cling to Dan. And it’s not like he needed to be around the younger boy at all times. Phil was independent and had his own life next to Dan’s. Sure they were still best friends and they did everything together but Dan could tell something had been off and here Phil was, explaining what his issue was and Dan had no idea how to respond.

With Phil sitting in front of him, his head to his chest and his leg shaking like it did when he was nervous, Dan figured he might as well try to help his friend figure it out at least.

“Why do you think that is?” he asked calmly, trying not to make his friend feel judged. He waited patiently for Phil to respond.

“I don’t know,” Phil said, like a child would to an impossible question. He seemed defeated and exhausted.

Dan looked at him and then over at the corner he had cowered in many months ago, then back to his friend.

“Okay. Well why don’t we figure it out in the morning, okay?” Dan suggested, smiling at his friend. Phil had been looking down but he looked up slowly with an almost hurt and confused look.

“Dan, didn’t you hear me? I can’t-” But he stopped talking when he saw that Dan was scooting over and pulling back the duvet of his own bed. He was patting the area next to him and motioning for his friend to lay down beside him. “R-really?”

Dan rolled his eyes and nodded.

“Come on. Those bags under your eyes are only gonna get worse. Get in here.” Dan nudged his friend along and he gave his friend the loving look he always did when Phil did something most fans would call adorable. He gave Dan a thankful bow and crawled into the bed slowly. Dan threw the blankets over him and without any warning or consultation, Dan assumed the position he had become used to many weeks before. Phil seemed almost shocked by Dan’s movements and Dan was impressed with how well he still fit. Like a puzzle that hadn’t been put together in a while. Phil immediately started to stroke Dan’s hair and rub circles into Dan’s arm.

“Thanks, Dan.” Phil mumbled, his nose nuzzling the top of Dan’s head lightly. Phil had done that a few times back then, to let Dan know when he really meant something he had said.

“You’re welcome.” Dan smiled, scratching at the older man’s chest lightly. “I just hope it works. You think this was the problem?”

He waited for an answer but he was greeted with the gentle sounds of Phil’s snores and his heartbeat against his ear. Dan chuckled a little and then he let himself get comfortable next to the familiar smell, his brain cooing at the contact he missed so much as he fell asleep.

  


-

  


Waking up next to another person was something that Dan thought he had left far in the past. At least for the time being. He sleepily lifted his head from Phil’s chest and checked the time on his phone. He didn’t want to wake Phil because if he was being serious, this would be the first good sleep that he had gotten in a while. He scrolled through instagram for a little while while he listened to the older boy’s breaths beneath him. It was a few hours before Phil finally showed a sign of being awake.

He stirred a little, noticing the weight of another person’s head on his chest and he instinctively tightened his grip on Dan’s body as he stretched his legs.

“Good morning,” Dan greeted his friend, not lifting his head. He wasn’t going to complain, Phil’s chest made for a great pillow.

“Morning,” Phil yawned, petting the younger’s head gently. Dan closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. It had been a while. He might as well milk it while he still could.

“How did you sleep?” Dan asked him, the answer rather obvious. The boy had been out for a while and he hadn’t stirred even once. Phil looked around the room, taking in the fact that he was in a different bedroom than his own and he nodded.

“I slept well.”

Dan hummed in response and nodded slightly.

He knew that he could talk to Phil about this now but he had no desire to ruin a morning with talk about serious subjects.

“You hungry?” Dan asked, hearing the older boy’s stomach growl and Phil confirmed that he was starving. Dan decided that the moment couldn’t last forever and he sat up from his warm cocoon next to Dan’s body. “I’ll make some pancakes.”

Dan took a morning piss and then made his way to the kitchen to start making their breakfast. The whole time, Phil’s bedtime issue was drumming through his head as he flipped the american breakfast foods. He was trying not to think about it because if he was being honest, he didn’t exactly know what to think.

Phil waddled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and leaning against the counter just as Dan was finishing up his breakfast creation.

“Ooh, pancakes. My favorite,” Phil commented, Dan smiling because he knows this. Phil tells him every time. That’s why he makes them in the first place.

“Yes, Phil. I know.” He hands the older boy a plate and the syrup as he instructs him to go sit in the living room. Phil nods and turns tail, bringing his food out of the room. Dan exhales as he turns off the hob, collecting his own serving and following his best friend.

Phil had already started chowing down on the pancakes before Dan even sat down. He smiled at the sight of his friend, mouth full of fluffy, syrupy sweets.

There was silence as they both ate. It was kind of nice. Most of the time, one or the other would put on a TV show or an anime while they ate but neither reached for the remote.

When Phil was nearing the end of his pancakes stack, Dan noticed that his leg started to shake. He stopped chewing and watched as the older boy suddenly lost his appetite and put the last of his breakfast on the coffee table in front of them. He sat back and started to stare at the window, the same way he had been staring at Dan for weeks. Dan raised his eyebrows and reached over to poke him, which startled him and he sat up with a huff.

“Phil?” Dan asked, his query of whether Phil was alright seemed to be implied in his tone. Phil just looked at Dan and stood up abruptly.

“Thanks for the breakfast, Dan. I think I need a shower,” he said quickly and he scurried off and out of the room. Dan was left there with his half stack of pancakes and an empty room. It wasn’t like Phil to not finish his favorite breakfast. It was also not like Phil to leave a dish on the coffee table.

Dan thought for a moment about the strange way his flatmate had been acting and he almost convinced himself again that it wasn’t his problem…but then the thought of last night crept up - Phil coming to his bedroom door and requiring Dan’s company in order to sleep well for the first time in weeks. He thought about how this had become just as much his problem as it had been Phil’s. He gently placed his pancakes down and stood up, his knees cracking as he got to his feet. He turned and headed for the door.

“Phil!” He called after his friend, turning out of the room and heading for Phil’s. But in the process, he bumped straight into a high speeding human who was making a bee line for the bathroom with some towels and a flushed face. They both fell ass first on the ground and Dan laughed while he rubbed his head. “Fuck. Ow.”

“Sorry…” Phil stuttered, trying to get back up as he rubbed his head as well.

“Wait, wait.” Dan grabbed Phil’s arm and forced him back down onto the carpet. Phil plopped down and looked everywhere but Dan’s face. He looked slightly panicked and Dan tried to sooth him with a soft gaze. “Phil, please, slow down. Are you alright?”

Phil couldn’t lie to Dan and because Dan already knew something was wrong, there was no use hiding it. Phil looked like he needed to say something and Dan was determined to figure out what was on his mind.

“Yeah, it was just a bump. It’ll heal…” Phil muttered.

“No. I mean, you. Phil, are you okay?” Dan forced the older boy to look at him, locking his brown eyes onto blue.

“I…I don’t know.” He admitted, his head falling against the hard wall next to them. His eyes fluttered shut and he sighed. He looked defeated. Dan scooted a little closer, but not close enough to intimidate the other.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Dan asked gently, trying to pry but with the least amount of threat possible.

“I don’t know! I just…” Phil sounded sad. “I don’t know.”

“Does this have anything to do with…” Dan swallowed, taking a moment to clench his fist and tell himself that it was alright. “…the incident?”

Phil shook his head.

“Does it have anything to do with not being able to sleep?”

Phil shrugged and stared blankly at the wall.

“Well then what is this about, Phil? Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” Dan didn’t want to be pushy, but if there was anything he had learned in the past few months, it’s that if you don’t talk about things, they wont fix themselves.

Phil’s leg was shaking and Dan immediately reached out and stopped it. He was done with the nervousness. Phil had to be brave. He had to talk.

Sure enough, Phil looked up at Dan, but he didn’t speak.

Not even close.

Instead, he stared for a moment, just long enough for Dan to begin to question what could possibly be going through his head, and then he was lunging forward and out of nowhere, his lips were crashing against Dan’s.

Dan wished he had seen it coming. He wished that he had been more prepared for what happened. He also wished that he had thought differently. But he wasn’t and he didn’t, and because of that, it backfired. He furrowed his brow and he very hastily took his hands and placed them on Phil’s shoulders, pulling him off of his face and staring at the wide eyed, pink cheeked, totally embarrassed boy in front of him.

“Phil!” Dan exclaimed, totally confused. His face was going red too now, his eyes darting all over Phil’s face in an effort to figure out what was going on. It was clear that Phil wasn’t going to talk to him. All he saw though was mortification, written all over his friend’s cheeks and soon, the elder was ripping himself from Dan’s grasp and retreating back to his room where he slammed the door, clicking the lock and intending to remain inside for the rest of eternity.

Dan was left on the carpet of the hallway, scratching his head and trying to replay the moment in his head. Did his best friend, flatmate, internet sensation, Phil Lester…just kiss him?

He lied back against the soft floor and stared at the ceiling. Holy shit. And he liked it.

  


-

  


Dan regretted pushing the other boy away. He knew how much that must have stung. Dan was piecing things together now. Things he hadn’t noticed before. Little things. The way Phil would stare at him was not because he pitied the younger boy, it was because he longed for him. It was because he knew that Dan didn’t consider Phil when it came to romance. Why would he? They had this conversation way back in 2009. Dan and Phil “weren’t meant for each other“. It was only a ”shipper’s wet dream“.

Dan tried to think back though to the last year of his life. Before the incident, Dan and Phil had been getting awfully close. They had been messing with their fans a bit by teasing the idea of a possible relationship and never denying the possibility of them going out. It was kind of a mind fuck but they both thought it was rather funny and they were allowed to do whatever they wanted.

But Dan had written Phil off so long ago that he didn’t even remember the last time he took a shippers comment seriously. Sometimes he would see what they meant. His eyes did seem to show a lot of emotion when he really tried. But that was because he did love Phil. You know, in a brother sort of way. And Phil never expressed any boyfriend type love back (except for the BONCAS which everyone knew was a total boyfriend move). They had reached a point in their relationship where they were super comfortable with each other as friends which was why it was cool that they saw other people.

But then Dan thought about it.

Phil had never taken a single other person out. Since they met. Not a single one.

It was always Dan who was dragging strays into the apartment or dating chicks for a little bit before breaking up with them for some stupid “famous person reason”. It was no wonder Phil got so angry with all the sex Dan was having. He was the only one having it.

Dan always thought that it was Phil’s issue. Phil was just too innocent. Phil didn’t like sex. But maybe Dan was just too oblivious to notice Phil’s longing glances in his direction.

That must have killed Phil from the inside out. The whole thing. The way Dan would disregard his best friend’s helpful advice, the way he would walk into the kitchen in the morning with battle wounds from the night before, the way he could probably hear Dan through the walls each night while he slept.

And it probably would have gone on like that forever. Phil was too nice to say anything.

But then Dan had to go get himself raped.

And the whole game changed.

Phil had to walk in on Dan being broken, then clean up his mess for months. Not to mention, the younger boy didn’t break from Phil’s side for weeks on end. He couldn’t or he would break even more. Dan thought that Phil was getting annoyed with him. That Phil needed a break. But he was just trying not to fall harder than he already had. Dan was making that impossible.

And then the cuddling. God, Dan felt so stupid. Phil must not have seen it becoming a problem but they had done it for so long, every night, and when Dan finally decided that it was time to stop sleeping together, it must have caused Phil’s nights to suffer. Phil had grown attached in the worst way. He hadn’t even considered the older boy. Why would he? He had no idea Phil felt this way. And now he was realizing that Phil might not be the only one.

All this time, Dan was searching for a connection. One that could fill the void that he desperately needed filled. And now that his head was clear and he wasn’t looking in the wrong place, he realized that he was staring him right in the face the whole time. Dan had to empty the void before he could let it get filled correctly and that’s exactly what Phil had done. He had taken a broken person and helped piece them back together.

Fuck.

And he had pushed Phil away from him.

He had rejected the one person who he needed the most.

He winced when he replayed the moment in his head once more, getting to his feet and almost tripping as he bolted for Phil’s door. He knocked loudly, calling Phil’s name.

“Phil!” Dan knew he wasn’t going to want to let Dan in. He was probably embarrassed beyond belief. But Dan knew he could fix it. Just like Phil had fixed Dan. “Please open the door?”

He could hear sniffling from inside and Dan felt his heart drop. He wanted nothing more than to get in there and scoop his flatmate up, pulling him into a kiss. One that topped the one in the hallway by a million.

“Please, Phil!” Dan kept knocking. Pausing every now and then to listen for a response.

“Go away, Dan.” Phil said, his voice muffled by what sounded like a pillow. Dan could picture the boy lying face down in his bed. It was a sight that his brain didn’t even want to picture.

“No. Just open the door. I need to talk to you.”

Phil was silent and there was still no answer.

“Don’t make me break this door down.” Dan threatened as he looked at the hinges. He knew that he wasn’t strong enough but he might as well threaten. He would do anything to get in that room, even if it meant making a trip to the hardware store for a screwdriver.

Still no answer. Only the sound of gentle sighs and what Dan imagined to be tears.

“You can’t stay in there forever. And when you do come out, I’ll be standing right here, eating all your cereal!” Dan tried a different approach. Bribery and jealousy seemed to work sometimes. “The longer you wait, the less cereal there is.”

Nothing.

“Come on, Phil.” Dan sighed. He was beginning to think that this confession wasn’t going to happen. Not romantically anyway. He had read plenty of fanfic to know that this was a typical situation. Guy likes guy, guy rejects first guy, then second guy realizes he likes first guy, then confesses in some crazy romantic gesture. Maybe it wasn’t realistic. Maybe it’s not something that people did in real life. Especially not Dan and Phil.

Dan dropped his arms and stopped knocking.

Apparently he was just going to have to wait.

And he might as well grab a box of cereal while he was at it.

He wandered to the kitchen, grabbed his cereal and reached his hand into the nearly full box to grab a scoop of his Cinnamons. He backed up against the wall in the hallway and slid down, sitting by Phil’s door. He was prepared to sit there all night.

  


-

  


He had done a lot of thinking. Thinking and munching.

The cereal was nearly gone and he was about to pass out because it had gotten late. Dan assumed that Phil had fallen asleep, which made him sad because nobody likes to fall asleep crying. But Dan knew that Phil would have to pee at some point and he had been guarding the door for hours now. His had just finished off the last of his box when he heard shuffling coming from Phil’s bedroom. Dan got to his feet, fixing his hair and rubbing his eyes.

He heard the doorknob unlock and then twist, the door opening just a crack. Phil’s tired and puffy eye peaked out from the sliver and saw Dan standing outside with the stupid grin that he couldn’t help, and he quickly shut the door again.

“Oh come on!” Dan groaned, knocking on the door gently. “I’ve been sitting out here all day. Please let me in.”

“No.”

“Why not?” Dan whined.

“I don’t want to talk right now.”

“I know. So let me talk.” Dan proposed. In theory, he just needed Phil to listen.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“Yes you do.”

“No I don’t.”

This was the embarrassment speaking. Phil was stubborn and when it came to situations where he felt he made a mistake, he stayed far away from the dialogue. He just liked to carry on without letting it fester. But Dan was having none of that. He was going to kiss this boy right if it was the last thing he did.

“Phil. Please. Just give me thirty seconds.”

The silence contemplative.

“I wont even make you talk. Just give me thirty seconds.”

Phil said nothing but the door creaked open. Phil slid from the room and gently closed the door behind him. It was clear he didn’t want anyone seeing inside for the fear of exposing his sad behavior. But Dan couldn’t care, Phil was standing in front of him, his eyes red from crying and his head drooping slightly. It broke Dan’s heart to see him like this and the feelings he had been overlooking for so long, hit him like a brick to the face. He took in the beautiful image of the boy before him. He admired Phil’s chest, remembering the way his skin felt against his cheek, he thought about the way Phil’s leg would shake when he was nervous which was always an invitation for Dan to reach out and stop it, he took in the sight of Phil’s arms, messing with the hem of his shirt because he wasn’t sure what to do with them and his eyes stopped at Phil’s perfect lips. The lips he wanted so badly against his own. But this time, for keeps. Phil Lester was perfect and Dan was baffled by how he had missed that before.

“Okay Dan. I’m here. What do you want?” Phil asked in a monotone voice which broke Dan from his gaze.

“Oh, uh…” Dan stuttered, his confidence falling as he stood in front of the beautiful human. “I just wanted to…”

Fuck fuck fuck.

Mayday.

Phil was staring back at him with his big blue eyes and Dan was losing all speech.

He could only think of one thing to do. One thing he wanted to do. And that was to step forward and kiss that look off Phil’s face.

Which is exactly what he did.

He stepped forward as fast as he could, reaching out and wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist, then he pushed the boy against the wall, and kissed him on the lips. Phil made a sound of surprise as he instinctively went to push Dan off but when Dan started to slip his tongue into Phil’s mouth, ever so gently, his hands fell away. Dan closed his eyes and collected his lips slowly, taking his time so he could remember the way Phil tasted even after he pulled away (which wasn’t going to be anytime soon).

Dan had kissed a few too many people in his lifetime, but no kiss he’d ever had was better than this one. Phil’s was gentle and loving and it was seeping with infatuation which was something he couldn’t say about any of his other partners. He began to slide his hand up Phil’s shirt out of habit, but he stopped himself. Instead, he lifted that hand and brought it up to Phil’s cheek, caressing the side of his face. This was something he never did. Not to anyone he didn’t really care about. He could feel their tongues moving inside Phil’s cheek with his thumb and he scratched lightly at the hair around Phil’s ear. The older boy hummed and Dan melted. He might as well be a puddle, right there in their own hallway.

Eventually, after who knows how long, Phil pulled away, exhausted and out of breath. He slumped against the wall and his eyes remained closed as he caught his breath. Dan didn’t let go of him, he just stayed wrapped around him, gently caressing his cheek as he waited for the older boy to process what had just happened.

“Dan…” he breathed, his hand lifted to signal that he needed a moment.

Dan waited patiently.

“Dan I-” Phil started, but Dan leaned forward and planted another kiss on his lips. A quick one, but a kiss nonetheless. “Dan I don’t understand. You…you pushed me away before and-”

“I know. I was just surprised and you know how I am with surprises.” He shuffled his feet a little. “You left right away and gave me no time to process what happened and I…” Dan rubbed his thumb on the side of Phil’s cheek. “I’m sorry it took me this long to realize that-”

He stopped. He heart skipped a beat.

Phil’s eyebrows went up.

“To realize what?” Phil asked softly, licking his lips as if to collect the words he just spilled from his mouth.

Dan hesitated for only a moment, swallowing the nerves.

“To realize that I love you, Phil.”

Phil’s eyes blinked a few times like he had just awoken from a coma.

Dan couldn’t believe the words had left his own throat. He hadn’t even thought them yet. But apparently they were there all along.

Phil’s eyes filled with tears in between blinks and he looked like he was about to cry again.

“Oh Dan…” He pulled Dan into a tight hug, resting his head into Dan’s neck and releasing a shaky breath. They remained like that for a moment while Phil tried to hold himself together. “I love you so much.” He whispered for only Dan to hear and Dan didn’t realize the reaction he would have to those words. He felt his body heat up and his toes curl. He had never heard a more beautiful set of words in his entire life, not to mention they were coming from the most beautiful person on the planet. Phil started to kiss up his jugular and landed on his mouth, scooping his lips up into another kiss that was far more passionate than the kiss only a minute prior.

When they finally broke away they stood in the hallway for a while, staring into each other’s eyes and Dan thought about how clichė this moment was. He was sure it was written in a fanfic somewhere.

“I know this is a moment for the books and everything…but I’ve been sitting in this hallway all day. I would be very happy if we could relocate to somewhere a lot less drab than this.” Dan said, throwing a little sass in Phil’s direction. Phil wiped his happy tears and shoved Dan a bit in the shoulder.

He turned and led Dan into his bedroom which was indeed a wreck, but Dan didn’t care. He helped Phil settle out the sheets and pillows, only to collapse within them once more. Phil lied on his back and Dan nestled right into the spot he had grown to love so much. It brought him back to the first night he cuddled up in Phil’s arms. How familiar it felt. How safe. It felt different now though because it wasn’t just his flatmate’s comfort he was feeling, it was Phil’s love. This was his safe spot. This was where he belonged.

For the first time since the incident, he thanked the Universe for what happened to him. He would never forgive it for hurting him so badly or screwing up his life so much, but the Universe had brought him Phil and that was enough.


End file.
